My name is Amanda, and I’m one and a half years single—not sober, single. And today is the day I re-enter the world of online dating. Fourth time’s a charm...right??
I consider myself an optimistic person on the whole, and I think most of my friends would agree that my glass is almost always two thirds full of bubbly. When it comes to dating, though, a cloud moves in. I'm jaded, cynical and a self-proclaimed lost cause. And although online dating is great in theory; although it seems like a wonderful opportunity to meet marriage-worthy people you may otherwise never stumble upon in life; these dating websites don’t make the process any less daunting than good old-fashioned, miserable, awkward, demoralizing dating. Trust me, I've dabbled on enough websites to know...eHarmony, Match, OkCupid. No one site holds the remote entry key to matchmaking heaven.
I can say this with conviction because over the past year, I went on a handful of dates. There was the one with the hairy man who was great on paper but judging from the debris on his bathroom floor, would have clogged the vacuum on a daily basis. The one who managed to disclose every birth defect, injury and illness he had by the end of our second Blue Moon. There were five in case you were wondering--injuries, not Blue Moons. The one that I felt bigger than, even though he claimed to be 8 inches taller than me on the site...soccer players. And the culminating date: the One-that-let-me-split-the-bill--a post for another day entirely.
Anyway, back to the Joys of Online Dating. So, right off the bat, you have to think of a username. Do you have any idea the kind of PRESSURE that comes with this task? Being forced to come up with a name other than the one you have identified yourself by for your whole life? I won't try pretend that I'm even remotely witty and name-game saavy, but do I really just use my own plain-jane name with a few random numbers after it? How hopelessly unoriginal and boring and lacking creativity. And this is what He will form His very first impression of me by. Well, this and my picture—which is perhaps the ONLY saving grace of online dating, as opposed to completely blind dating. I know, it sounds shallow, and perhaps you are a better woman than I, but the picture is what will make or break a young suitor in approximately 0.5 seconds as I scroll through the pages of profiles, stalking my prey before I pounce. I digress...
But even if I do happen to think of something remotely creative or catchy, inventing a username out of thin air only grazes the surface of this miserable process. It doesn't get any easier as you're then asked to write an autobiography in which you market yourself to the general male population, hoping that He will read something that makes Him want to “wink” or "favorite" you, or if you’re really lucky, actually take the time to write a compelling message in which he comments on the little details of your life you've chosen to divulge to utter strangers. Sweet.
And, I loathe how it automatically populates your age and then permanently affixes it next to your picture for all to see. I was 25 last time I was on one of these sites. Now I’m one year closer to retiring my high heels and becoming a Spinster. I mean come on, I still get carded sometimes--for lottery tickets! Can't we just let Him come to His own assumptions about my age? And can't I choose my age on a guy by guy basis? Little white lies never killed a girl, right? In all fairness, if you're going to make me compete with the young spry things on the site who are just looking to sew their naive, worry-free oats, at least give me a fighting chance!
Finally, there's the Catch-22 that makes me a skeptic, before I remember that it could be my saving grace: if He is on a dating website, there must be something wrong with Him, right? Because the One that I see myself spending the rest of my life with will be an absolute catch. He can't possibly be wasting His time on a dating website. Why isn't He out in the real world fending off girls with His golden sword? The Man I want to marry wouldn't stoop so low...but then again, I'm on here, aren't I?
So here I am: ItalIrish85. Let the games begin.
